


Tumblr, Tumblr, Tumblr....Tumblr time, hooo!

by thefrogg



Category: G.I. Joe (Cartoon), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Originally Posted on Tumblr, Tumblr Ask Box Fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-06
Updated: 2017-04-06
Packaged: 2018-10-15 12:04:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 3,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10556022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thefrogg/pseuds/thefrogg
Summary: ...because I couldn't resist at least trying to come up with a cute title for "Collected short fics and stream-of-consciousness plotbunnies that read like pseudo-fics others might be interested in reading before they get lost".Basically stuff too short to be posted individually and otherwise untitled or whatnot from tumblr.





	1. Somehow Tony keeps acquiring zoological safety mechanisms.

Darcy’s addiction to tumblr and social media has consequences.

After having yet another post of funny (and kind of scary) stories about just how smart octopuses are shoved in his face, Tony puts in an aquarium in the workshop. No one knows why, other than “Yes, Tony, they are amusing, and smart, but what the hell?!” until Jarvis sounds the alarm months later.

By the time anyone manages to get into the workshop, though, Tony’s curled up on the floor, shirtless, with his pet octopus half wrapped around his chest and two arms sprawled across his face. A dead arc reactor is still spinning on the floor, testament to the emergency, but the blue light streaming out from underneath the octopus’ central body is bright and (for Tony) healthy.

No one finds the sudden influx of live crabs and starfish odd, but the eventual questions about octopus longevity (and specifically the longevity of the species Tony keeps in his aquarium) only get a knowing glance between Tony and Thor, who’s gotten in the habit of eating shiny yellow apples in the workshop and dripping juice…

…well, that would be telling.


	2. They wore flowers in their...beards?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> theactualcluegirl:
> 
> No, but can’t you just see Thor emerging from a crowd of tiny girls, beflowered and beribboned and grinning like he just won the best prize in the world? Can;t you see it? Can’t you see him getting them to show him how to braid their hair so that the flowers stay in place, and how to tie the ribbons so the pretty side shows on both sides, and when someone shows up and scoffs, he suddenly goes over all Asgardian Prince and Thunder God and challenges the naysayer to bring his ass down to the ground and get his posies on too, or face the wrath of the Mighty Thunderer?
> 
> I need this. No really, I do.

After BoNY, Thor takes to wandering the city, lending a hand where he can, and taking in the sights, and comes across St. Luke’s, and kind of adopts the place. So he goes there all the time, at least several times a week when he has the chance, and the kids in the bible studies classes and Sunday school classes always mob him, and the priests/etc don’t mind that the kids ransack the gardens for flowers to put in his beard/hair because hey, god of fertility (not EARTH’s god, wtf) and Thor’s always kind enough to get the flowers to grow back quickly.

So he catches Bruce also wanting to go wander the city (Bruce is always looking for new tea shops to frequent), and invites him along, and it turns into a team excursion because Tony’s still waking up from crashing after an engineering bender and there’s an awesome independent coffeehouse on the way, and and and…

Everyone knows they’re being gently herded somewhere, but it’s THOR, and Thor always has the best things to show off (even if sometimes they aren’t always the most _appropriate_ things to show off and that always make Tony (and sometimes Clint) cackle like a lunatic at Steve’s impression of a tomato), so they go along with it.

It’s too early for Sunday school when they arrive at St. Luke’s, so it’s quiet, and Thor enjoys watching the others wander through the gardens, listening to the singing through the open chapel doors. Steve and (surprisingly) Natasha slip through and onto a pew in the back; the ushers are wide-eyed and look askingly at Thor who just smiles a little and shakes his head.

Thor slips out to fetch coffee and pastries while the others are distracted, Tony playing with his phone (probably impatient to leave but unwilling to abandon the team), Bruce admiring the flowers or soaking in the peace with his head tipped up to the sky, bathed in sunlight, and returns with just enough time to pass them out and enjoy them before the children tumble into the gardens for playtime.

This is obviously why they’re here; the kids in front take no time at all to shriek their welcome and swarm around him, deep laughter echoing off the stone walls as he’s buried by 6- and 7-year-olds. Some of the children dash off to pull blossoms from the surrounding flower beds, and they vanish in the giggling, squirming pile until at last Thor sits up, a little girl held over one shoulder.

His beard sports a riot of colors, purple violets, red and yellow strawflowers, bright pink azaleas and multi-colored lantana are all woven in the strands.

Tony looks up from his phone and snorts, a twist of sardonic amusement on his lips.

“You don’t like flowers, Mister Ironman?” A little girl turns to him, hands full of lantana and sundress stained with dirt and grass. Her eyes shine as she holds her bounty up for his inspection, and a few petals drift to the ground.

“Uh–I–” Tony stammers, disarmed, glances over at Thor’s disappointed face, and swallows hard.

~~

Tony (barely) manages to keep photographs of the Avengers bedecked in flowered beards and crowns and necklaces from the media by calling Happy to pick them up, but nothing keeps Thor from smiling after coming across Tony hastily shoving a drawer full of preserved flowers shut weeks later.


	3. That OTHER duckling!Clint Short

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uofmdragon asked me for a duckling!Clint fic, meaning, of course, more of Duckeye Just Doesn't Have the Same Flair, but I wrote this instead.

“Yes, Barton, I know you’re–” Phil didn’t bother finishing the statement; annoyed wasn’t strong enough a word. Livid was more accurate, but that normally led to arrows in painful places, and well.

That didn’t bear thinking about.

The fact that Phil didn’t have to shorten his stride or otherwise slow down in order for Agent Barton to keep up with him - still making enough racket that other support staff had come out to the hallway to see what was going on–

“They’re doing everything they can to fix this, and you harassing them is not helping.” Phil stopped short and turned around, abruptly enough that Barton didn’t have time to stop and simply ran over his shoes and slammed into his ankles.

Barton didn’t slide off, just sat down, looked up and peeped angrily, then clamped his tiny beak on the hem of Phil’s suit and flailed stubby wings.

“You done?”

More flailing, more tugging on his pants and muffled peeping.

“I am not letting you loose in the vents. You can’t climb that small. But you can hide out in my office so you aren’t underfoot.”

Barton let go; being glared at by a fist-sized ball of brown-and-yellow fluff didn’t hold the same kind of threat that Barton had, but Phil knew better than to treat it as anything less as he carefully bent and let his agent-turned-duckling shift irritably into his palm.

“I have a meeting with Fury this afternoon. You can hide out in my pocket if you promise to be quiet.”

Barton squeaked once and settled, tucking his feet beneath him before closing his eyes.

This was going to be hell. Barton was already known for loyalty to Phil, and only Phil; even Fury couldn’t get the same kind of obedience. And that…that disaster of an R&D accident might have imprinted Barton inextricably.

He didn’t want this. Not like this.

Heads were going to roll.


	4. The AU where Natasha brings Clint in from the cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> gilajames asked: An AU where Natasha is the one who brings Clint in after not killing him. Possibly as a gift for Phil.

“Natasha.” Her name was an order, a checkrein. “You went off the grid. For days. Why.” And it wasn’t a question. “Tell me why I shouldn’t bring you in for defecting.”

She didn’t flinch, though the anger, the disappointment in Coulson’s voice made her cringe on the inside, made her struggle to maintain eye contact. Trust held her silent, trust and the knowledge she’d be doing this man - this man, and another - a favor, repayment of a debt she’d thought unpayable.

“Why?”

“I brought you something,” she murmured finally, low and emotionless, a bland almost-whisper; a single step had her all the way inside, door still wide open.

The sound of booted feet sounded normal, at least until a too-recognizable twenty-something stepped cautiously into the opening, bow slung over his shoulder.


	5. Messes aren't just for children

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dazzledfirestar asked: Clint/Phil, Ice cream sundae disasters

Clint doesn’t care about the ice cream that drips on his t-shirt; it’s old and worn and well-loved, and it’s not the first time and won’t be the last. He doesn’t worry about the ropes of chocolate fudge, either.

At least, not until he sees the crinkles of amusement at the corners of Phil’s eyes, a tell that on anyone else would be gleeful laughter.

Phil’s not all that amused by the maraschino cherry that lands on his tie, the marshmallow sauce on his button down, but the exhausted laughter that echoes through the bedroom, after they’re lying in a tangle of limbs and covered in nothing more than a mess of sticky-sweet and salt tells a different story.


	6. "Because Animaniacs" is not a defense

So, Phil, Tony, Pepper and Rhodey have a rare evening off on the same day, and for reasons that IDEK decide to watch Animaniacs. Which includes a short of Pinky and the Brain. Afterward, when the television is just a low hum in the background, and everyone’s just curled up with their drink of choice and shooting the breeze idly, Tony’s critiquing the Brain’s plan and is all “If I wanted to take over the world I could, and it’s a good thing I don’t,” and and and.

And Phil and Pepper and Rhodey kind of look at each other like this might be less than absolutely terrible idea (Tony doesn’t notice because he’s at that alcohol-infused everything’s-fine-in-my-world level of relaxation that he’s just kind of oozing back on the couch and staring up at the ceiling).

Because if there’s anything those three know about Tony Stark, is that he lives to fix things.

And there’s that whole thing about the best politicians being the ones who don’t want power to begin with. 

So Phil and Pepper and Rhodey are all “Let’s do this.” And wind up going “Here, Tony, have a planet,” some time later.

Of course, Tony would mostly be “You are kidding me.” And then put Phil and Pepper in charge of everything he doesn’t want, and Rhodey in charge of the military, and and and he’d mostly be a figurehead politically speaking while he figures out how to fix global warming and clean energy and only concern himself with things like health care and education and gay rights and sex ed and free birth control and and and…

The religious whoever the hell would be up in arms, but there would be no tolerance for religion in government, and corporations would have to toe the line or SI would take them over and…

Someone stop me.

Most benevolent accidental (or not) dictator ever, and I’m having flashbacks to the Matrix, where humans kept fighting the utopian machine to start with…

Blame it on afternoon cartoons. I know Tony will.

“Why did you decide to take over the world, Mr. Stark?”

“Believe it or not, it was not my idea. We were watching Pinky and the Brain one evening…”


	7. Clint and Phil are Joes, because why not?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> uofmdragon asked for a Clint/Phil GIJoe crossover.

“Told you not to touch her,” Hawkeye said, face blank but eyes dancing with laughter as he tossed Crankcase a towel. "You’re lucky it was just the coffee.“

”I’ve never seen it–her before!“ he protested, correcting himself as Agent’s glare intensified. ”How was I supposed to know?!“

"Well, now you know,” Hawkeye answered, grinning wide.


	8. The "I know just enough about the comics to be dangerous" story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Howard Stark who died in a car crash was a Skrull.

Howard Stark was replaced by a Skrull a few months before his ‘death’ in the car crash that killed Howard and Maria Stark.

This gets discovered when an abandoned/crashed ship is found and the Avengers are sent to deal with it for Reasons. Natasha’s the one that finds the stasis pod that Howard Stark Version Original is still being held in, and orders Tony to stay away.

Of course, Tony’s immediately curious as to why, and only follows orders on pain of Thor.

(Seriously. The last place they want someone to have a nervous breakdown is on a mission.)

Somehow, they get the stasis pod back to the helicarrier, tell Tony what’s going on, and are stunned to find out that the fact that Howard’s still alive – that an alien shapeshifter replaced him – doesn’t surprise him in the least. Because Howard tried to make amends/atone for being…well, Howard Stark just before his death.

Since Tony’s the last Stark, it’s up to him whether or not to wake Howard up, and well.

Howard was an abusive dickhead who failed parenting forever.

Most of the Avengers and SHIELD’s upper echelons know this.

But Howard Stark had been Steve’s friend, once upon a time, and Tony’s been very careful to maintain the illusion, trying to preserve Steve’s memories of him. The rest of the team, etc., have been taking their cues from Tony.

Waking Howard up?

Fury tells Tony flat out that it’s going to blow up in his face. Tony knows that already, thank you very much. There’s not a chance in Hell that Howard’s going to have changed because he’s been asleep for a quarter century, even if during that time they found Steve Rogers and he’s still alive.

But he can’t leave him in stasis either, and since Natasha kept him away from the pod, there’s no way he could have sabotaged it that wouldn’t lead right back to him.

And he won’t do that to Steve.

So they wake Howard. And get him back to the Tower in a guest room, and things are pretty tense, but manageable.

Until, late one night, Howard gets into an argument with Tony, and forgets that Tony isn’t a defenseless little kid anymore, and tries – tries – to hit him.

Tony shows Howard just how big a man he is now, out of touch, out of time, and out of options - and with a son who’s stronger and faster and smarter and–

And JARVIS asks Steve to help, ostensibly because he’s entirely aware of Tony’s opinions of Dear Old Dad, and he’s unsure that Tony won’t return Howard to his grave, and entirely sure that the thin veneer of civility Tony’s allowed Howard to maintain has lasted too long.

So Steve listens to Tony detail the many and varied ways in which Howard Stark was a failure as a parent and a decent human being and kicks him out of the Tower, and is really upset that Tony hid all this from him.

Tony, for his part, is too angry to even deal with Steve and locks himself in the workshop.

Unable to talk to (help) Tony, Steve instead makes sure Howard is really leaving, only to have Howard try and excuse everything, appealing to Steve’s sense of duty or whatever.

Steve isn’t having any of this, saying only that he hates bullies and he’s just there to make sure Howard’s following orders. Because he’s not welcome in Tony’s space, and if Steve can’t help Tony, he can at least make sure the trash gets taken out.

Clint and Natasha go to Fury and ask permission to 'deal with’ Howard, only to be told no. They can make his life a living hell, but lethal force is not approved.

Not for them anyways.

Not for the Avengers, which becomes obvious a few weeks later when a blurb appears in the news about a John Doe matching Howard’s description.

Tony’s apologetic about it, for Steve’s sake - for his own, he’s just numbly relieved.

Steve, to Tony’s surprise, just tells him that his friend Howard Stark died seventy years ago, and that he’d have cheerfully killed Tony’s dad with his bare hands. Or held him down so Tony could, if he’d wanted to.


	9. The "If Tony isn't happy ain't nobody happy" unmerry Christmas story

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is what happens when I try to write happy Christmas fic.

First Christmas post-Avengers movie?

Best Christmas ever! Pepper starts the extravaganza, spurring the rest of the team into helping decorate the common areas of the Tower, tree, garlands, poinsettias, stockings, candles, the works.

Tony protests at first, because Tony hasn’t celebrated in years and doesn’t intend to start, but one look at Steve’s eager expression makes him back down and barricade himself in his workshop, only to come up for air the morning of the 24th and find out that Christmas pretty much exploded all over the tower.

See, thing is…

Tony hates Christmas. He doesn’t celebrate. No tree, no decorations, no Christmas dinner, no stockings, no garlands, no parties, no nothing. Christmas Eve he gets smashed drunk at home, downs a bottle of water, and passes out.

Christmas day itself he spends at the cemetery talking to his dad.

Not Howard Stark, neglectful if not abusive when he was around, and just not there when he wasn’t.

Tony doesn’t think of Howard Stark as Dad.

Edwin Jarvis, though? He was the one who gave Tony validation. The one who was proud of Tony’s accomplishments as an engineer, at school, as a decent human being. The one who, while he may not have been all that demonstrative, made the sterility of a loveless Stark Mansion less a prison and more a home. The one who gave birthday and Christmas gifts that meant something other than a declaration of wealth and prestige and power.

The one Tony agonized over return gifts just as meaningful.

Tony turned 17 the year his parents died a week before Christmas. The year Edwin Jarvis died driving the car they’d been killed in, but no one takes note of the butler. The butler is just a footnote. Except to the teenager desperate for a real father-son relationship, the one who’d spent years working on the letter written to preface a set of legal documents.

Documents that, while symbolic, would give Tony the right to call himself a Jarvis rather than a Stark. The right to call Edwin Jarvis Dad.

The gift Tony never got to give, and the family he never got to claim.

Christmas doesn’t mean goodwill toward men, it means the loss of the one person that gave him a sense of self. A sense of decency and worth as a human being.

And having the people who’d claimed their own places in his family – even if he’s the one who demanded they do so – trample on his grief isn’t something he can tolerate.

Tony takes one look at what the rest of the Avengers, Pepper and Phil have done to his home, the home he’d invited them into, and leaves to a chorus of “What’s wrong?” and “Are you okay?” and “Tony–”, has JARVIS lock down his suite and bathroom behind him until he can manage the nausea and pack a bag.

Pepper comes after him, wanting to know what the hell is going on, where Tony’s going, and Tony won’t give her an answer, just starts talking, “Go ahead and have Christmas, it’s your home too, whatever, it’s not like I’m running a Starkocracy here. I have my Starkpad and my phone and the suitcase armor in case something attacks. I’m not asking, Pepper, I’m telling you, I’m leaving, and if you’re just going to fire me, let me tell you what’ll happen - I’ll start a new company within a week out of sheer boredom and–” while he finishes packing his bag and goes for the elevator.

Tony goes and checks into a hotel, and while it’s a good hotel, the clerk’s all nervous and disbelieving because the best rooms are all taken Tony’s insisting he doesn’t care, he just wants a room with a bed and a bottle of their best Scotch.

So he does his normal get falling down drunk and passing out, and the next day goes to the cemetery and talks to Dad.

The Avengers, meanwhile…are trying to figure out what’s going on, Pepper doesn’t know, Phil doesn’t know, JARVIS isn’t talking (or assisting), and they don’t want to intrude so badly that Tony just…quits altogether. Because he doesn’t tell Pepper to fire him.

They finally track him to the cemetery, and show up, making sure they’re giving him his space while still being pointedly obvious, only to have him look like he doesn’t even know they’re there.

Tony winds up at a diner/coffee shop/somewhere and works on his Starkpad and drinks coffee.

Steve finds him there, and is all “Didn’t you see us?”

And Tony’s all “You seriously think I’m that situationally unaware? If I’d wanted to talk with you guys I’d have said something. As it is, I don’t know why you’re here instead of, you know, celebrating Christmas.”

And Steve just gives him this look, like Tony’s being stupid on purpose, because “Seriously? You think we’re going to celebrate Christmas without you? When we obviously hurt you for reasons we don’t even understand?”

And Tony just slides a leather folder, the kind you’d keep papers you want to look impressive in, across the table.

I’m not even going to say what’s in it, other than a newspaper clipping, because you should know this part.

Steve tells Tony to come home with him, and Tony doesn’t want to, doesn’t want to ruin Christmas for the rest of them, and gives in just like you know he will, only to find all the Christmas stuff taken down/put away, and even dinner isn’t the traditional Christmas feast, a pointedly un-Christmas meal.


End file.
